How to make friends in your 30s (without the social dread)

It’s not just you – making friends in your 30s can feel like juggling flaming torches on a unicycle.

Busy work schedules, family obligations (hi, kids, niblings & parents), and the joys of property responsibilities can leave us with little time for a social life. 

The good news? With just a sprinkling of intention (and maybe a handy tip or two), your 30s could be your most popular decade yet.

Let’s explore what to do about it.

When do we have the most friends?

Studies suggest we hit a friendship peak at 25, and then our social circles start shrinking. How tragic.

I’m 36 now, and when I look back at my friend groups over the last twenty years, there were certainly some major life events that reeled in the most friends.

Full disclaimer: not all of the friendships formed in my teens and twenties have lasted, but the ones I’m thinking of outlived the seven-year average for a friendship. Here’s the rundown:

• Age 16 – Going to college
• Age 18 – Going to university
• Age 20 – Doing a placement year at MINI
• Age 23 – Joining a graduate programme at BMW
• Age 26 – Landing my first permanent office job
• Age 28 – Moving to Tokyo
• Age 32 – Moving to Oxfordshire

The friendships I made four years ago still have a little ways to go, but what do these periods of my life have in common? I have my guesses, but let’s turn to science (and someone far more competent than me) to explain.

Proximity: The main friendship catalyst?

No one’s denying it’s tricky to turn a casual acquaintance into a mid-week dinner mate once you’re an adult. But according to psychologist David Narang, there’s a big reason why we struggle: like a British summer with too much rain, we just assume it’ll happen. We expect friendships to form “naturally.”

Adulthood calls for a new friendship strategy 

Unfortunately, most of us don’t have that luxury anymore. Our adult lives look nothing like our childhoods or early twenties, when we were young rapscallions hitting conkers together in the playground, or teenagers holed up in the library, spending endless hours with the same people day in and day out.

Seeing the same faces daily gave us time to figure each other out and gravitate toward the people we clicked with.

The more hours we spent together, the more topics we covered, and the deeper we got into each other’s worlds – homework meltdowns included. All of that built:

• Trust
• Vulnerability
• Mutual respect
• Shared interests & values
• Empathy
• Support

What this means for us as adults is that friendships are there for the taking – but they won’t just happen on their own. We have to be willing to put in some work

The importance of being intentional 

Being in "close quarters" with others has repeatedly shaped the friendships I’ve made in my own life.

Up until age 26, most of my friendships happened “naturally” because I was thrown together with the same group of people every day. Perhaps my biggest friendship goldmine as an adult was thanks to the graduate programme I did. 

During the programme, I spent four months in Munich with 59 other graduates from 11 different countries. We worked together, ate together, lived in the same apartment complex together and navigated the complications of the German language together (often poorly). It was fun and challenging in equal measure, but the friendships I made there have been some of the most supportive and important in my life so far.

When my husband and I moved to Tokyo a few years later, and subsequently Oxfordshire, we didn't have the luxury of being thrown next to people going through the same thing. We had to put in the work to make new friends by attending meetups and actively reaching out. It was daunting, but worth it.

6 musts for making friends

There are six things psychologist Marisa G. Franco says you need to do to make friends. Marisa is a New York Times best-selling author, TED speaker, psychologist, professor, and author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends, so she probably knows what she’s talking about:

1. Show up

   Friends aren’t going to magically descend on your house—and if they did, you’d likely be terrified. You have to leave home for this one. Whether it’s a local meetup or a pottery class, get out there and give yourself a chance to meet new people.

2. Be bold

   We’ve all been guilty of taking a social backseat, hoping someone else starts the conversation. But why can’t it be you? Smile, say hello, and strike up that first chat.

3. Seek people who also want to meet people

   Even the best opening line won’t help if the other person feels their friendship quota is full. Seek out folks who are also open to new connections—community meetups, interest groups, or events like Tirtle gatherings (hint, hint) are great places to start.

4. Be consistent

   Apps, social networks, and forums can be great for sparking conversations, but building a friendship takes repeated contact. If you connect with someone new, keep showing up—whether that’s online, in person, or ideally both. Consistency builds trust.

5. Meet IRL

   Online friendships tend to stay online. If you want deeper bonds, plan something offline. Grab a coffee, go for a walk, or try a fun activity together. Real bonding happens face-to-face.

6. Don't compare potatoes with pears

   Friendships don’t have to exist on a strict hierarchy. Your lifelong friend’s support won’t be the same as what a new friend can offer, so try not to measure the supportiveness or availability of a new friend against a lifelong friend. Each friendship is unique, and trust and vulnerability take time to grow.